” what i am to you is your silent melody…just a ghost…oh stop now, don’t you think i can’t see right through your lips…”
i’ll say it over and over again….”when words fail, music speaks.” My love for music has been with me for as long as I could remember and i am very grateful for the passion i have when it comes to listening to some great artist sing the words that i wish i could sing myself. Music keeps me whole…calm…at peace. It’s never the melody that gets me first but the lyrics. I can sit and listen to a song and get completely lost in it. It has been a best friend to me, there for me always, every single time i needed it to be. I can’t say i’m like my dad in too many ways but i know my love and passion for music comes from him and it is something i am very proud of. We have our love for music in common and if not much more than that, i’m happy to take it. things have been a little scary for me lately but i know i will make it through the dark spots. As long as i have my music to keep me going, and yes, I say MY music. I know i didn’t write it or sing any of the songs i love so but i love it so much that it’s like my baby. my world. something i am so grateful for which is probably why i get over protective if someone bashes a song i love. But hey, it’s only right to be so over protective, especially when it’s helped me in so many ways. Things may be a little unclear right now for me but my love for music is still there, right by my side. Holding me up and telling me everything will be okay…..i will be okay….and my music will always be there…no matter what…
I heard a quote not too long ago – even seen it on facebook and it goes like this, “let go…let god”…well that’s what I finally did. You see I have a really bad fear when it comes to illness. It scares the crap out of me!! And the reason being is my health scare about 4 years ago when I had a problem with my skin. I can out of that with two scars and a different attitude. It took awhile to really understand what the “life lessons” were but in the end, I got them! Along with growing as a different person, a person whos scared shitless when it comes to anything in regards to my health and hating the visit to the doctors, it also brought people into my life that helped me learn and grow. One of which I met just that week, the same week I got the phone call from the doctor. This lady who I now call a friend helped me more than I think she even knows! She was my angel…here on earth. AND her name is….ready for this..Angel. Yea that’s right! Angel has been in my life for the last 4 years and I am grateful to know her. I know it’s silly but anytime I get that fear, anytime I gotta go see my doctor, I go see her too! And she calms me! Bullshit to what shes saying or not…I don’t care because I know she’s helped me. So my appointment for something else that has come up is Monday and I felt fine yesterday – til today. The fear is settling in and I need to let it go!!!!! That’s what I got to learn right here right now!!! I will NOT fear what’s not here!! I will not let the bad thoughts in but instead keep my head high and know everything is fine……with that said…..SCREW YOU FEAR!!!! leave me alone…you are simply NOT welcome here!! that felt good…and it’s something I will continue to do! I refuse to let fear take control because I’ve let it take control long enough – it’s time I take the wheel back and run over the fear….it’s time, to let go and let god….I know I have my loved ones on my side up there working hard to answer my prayers…and tha’t all I need to know ❤
a song I heard a little while back while laying in bed in a hotel room downtown was a song written by dallas green. I remember my eyes were closed and my body was getting ready to shut down for a night’s sleep. I heard him sing a line in the song…”you must follow your heart…” I’m huge on lyrics so i remember this standing out to me. I’m in my late 20’s now – although I don’t feel like i am at all..I actually don’t even know where the time went?….I love to talk to older people, especially a lot older just to ask them one question – and that question is, what have you learned from life up until now? …you see, I’m only in my late 20s and so far what i can say i know forsure is that i’ve learned that you really must follow your heart, your gut, that inner voice you hear because it’s never wrong!!!! Yes i know i’m not where i thought i’d be at my age BUT maybe that’s all because i didn’t follow my heart in the past and instead went along with what my head was telling me to do. Don’t get me wrong, there have been times where I have followed my gut, that little voice pushing me to go somewhere and it ended up being for a reason. I had to see something – something i had a feeling about all along. So at least i did listen…..sometimes. What do i live by today – after all my years with lots of lessons in each year teaching me something new – I live by…following my heart! I know today I ignored my heart at certain times and i’m sure people do it all the time – I’m just grateful that now i know 100% that i should always always follow my heart! in whatever i do, wherever I am from here on out. My heart can’t be wrong – I was wrong for not listening to it. Dallas green sings it and I guess that means he agrees with everything i just said…..your heart will never lie to you…so listen to it – always! trust it…always….and be kind to it so it can be kind back..always!
“When all your friends have come and gone,
And the sun no longer shines,
And the happiness for which you long is washed away like an ocean’s tide,
When all the hard times outweigh the good,
And all your words are misunderstood,
When the day seems lost from the stars
You must follow your heart,
You must follow your heart”
-city & colour – against the grain
I’ve been dreaming a lot lately about things from the past…actually let me re-word that..about people from the past. i’m not quite sure why though?! I mean i’m not thinking about these people but they are showing up in my dreams and it makes me wonder why. To be honest only one of these people that I dreamt about stuck – had me go through some old messages between the two of us which took me back for a second – just a second. It made me stop and think a questions many ask all the time – where did the time go? How the hell did I end up here and how did things end up the way they did? Especially when I thought they were going to go a different way. Was it really all my fault? Did i let something that was once so important to me just slip through my fingers? In the end, was it really my fault?…or was it his? After all he was the one who in the end ended it for good! It was his decision and as much as I put up such a strong front about it…from time to time it does get the best of me…it makes my heart ache if only for that second! I do not sit and get all sad about it because after 27 years, my true belief today is that everything does happen for a reason, it’s all mapped out and the universe knows exactly what she’s doing. So with knowing this, I don’t sit and feel sorry for myself. Instead I trust….I trust that things are going to work out the way they are suppose to! I have that faith – if I didn’t I think i’d be in a lot of trouble. It’s better to walk around with your head held high then walk around feeling sorry for yourself. What good is that gonna do anyway? As I sit here and type i have to say i almost want to pat myself on the back. I hear what i’m writing down in my head and I’m grateful for the attitude i do have about it all. He’s not mine anymore and we went back and forth for a very long time, but everything we got to experience together was all worth it. The memories especially, the good times and the bad. He taught me so much and I hope I left a mark somewhere too – in the end my wish for him is to be happy. Wherever he is or with whatever he does – my wish is for him to just be happy! and at the end of it all…I can smile and tell myself that i am lucky. Lucky because with him i did get to see what true love is….and my wish for myself is that one day I will find it again – the universe has her ways and I’m grateful to know this – it’s already done…I will have it again…it’s just gonna be with someone else…and that’s okay. The universe knows exactly what she’s doing.
last night my cousin and i took my grandparents home from a bbq. My grandmother wanted to get home to her bed so we did as she asked. It was only a 10 minute drive away but I was very grateful to be in the car with them. you see growing up I have never been too close to them only because I can’t speak the language they do. This breaks my heart and makes me upset with only myself. I should have made more of an effort to learn some italian so that I could ask them the questions I want to without having a middle person translating everything for us. Eventhough I needed my cousin to be the middle person for us so we could have a conversation, it was still okay. It was okay because I got to chit chat with a wonderful couple – a couple that has been together for 67 years!!! 67 YEARS!!!! Can you believe it?! in a world where it is so much harder to find “real love”…or “our soulmate”…or “our perfect match”…so many different phrases you can give what they really have. I told my grandfather, a man who in just a few days will be turning 90 years old, that i want to find a man like him. He smiles, giggled and said thank you. My grandmother then told me that it is still out there….and I loved to hear those words come from her and from my grandfather as well. In a world where love is harder to find these days, I refused to think for one second that it’s not out there anymore. I chose to believe that love still exists, that it’s out there and when it’s time for you to find it the universe will bring it to you. Just like that!! With no warning whatsoever – that’s what makes you feel the excitement and butterflies! If I walked around, a 27 year old single girl who has ALWAYS since she was just a little girl wanted to find her prince charming, think that he wasn’t out there and after so many failed relationships just tell myself screw it it’s time to quit! – i’d feel sorry for myself. I know deep down there has to be somebody for everybody. And yes maybe it’s taking me a little longer to find my soulmate, prefect match and real love – but hey life doesn’t always go the way you thought it would. Life is what happens when your busy making other plans…and today I’m just grateful that I got to see the real love my grandparents still have for each other after 67 years of marriage…I know one day I’ll be just as lucky..
I’m very new to this blog world but thought it was time to see what it’s all about. So I start my first post ever with what I feel I’d like to write. Here we go;
lately I haven’t been feeling right, not like myself you can say. It surely hasn’t been fun at all. I don’t even know why I’m feeling the way I am. My only guess would be that I’m keeping too much in, not letting it break free and release. I came across a blog from a girl who lives in LA and read a bit of it. While reading it I really enjoyed her style of writing because it came across very real. And I like real. I also like to write and I always have, I just haven’t done too much of it. I started writing in a little book but I find it’s much easier to let my thoughts come through my finger tips onto my keyboard and onto my computer screen. So that’s what this is I suppose. A place for me to let some of the writing I enjoy to do come through. A place for me to visit when I want to leave the real world if only for 5 mintues. A place to post all the beautiful pictures and quotes I come across and save to only sit in a file doing nothing. A place just for me…to write…to express…to release…to feel connected to…to enjoy and to love.
So as my first post comes to an end, i do look forward to writing more. About what? I have absolutely no idea, but it’s nice to have the freedom to do so. I entitled this post “change is gonna come” because right now I feel like that’s exactly what i’d like and i can start with this blog. Again not knowing what i’m going to write about but having the freedom to do so…even if all for myself and no one else…writing heals the soul..
til next time…