After TWO years looking for the one tattoo artist i fell in love with (his work…) i finally found him!! thank goodness I stayed true to needing to find him again and not going to someone else to place a tattoo on me that i’ve been wanting to get for the last 5 years – maybe even longer. Long enough that I don’t really remember when the idea popped into my head to get it done. “I’ll ride the wave where it takes me” from pearl jam. I’m a girl who believes in fate! I always have…even in my darkest moments, I just know things always happen how they are suppose to. I can’t wait to have the words on my body as my reminder for how strong I think i’ve stayed in the last…ohhhh 27 years! I pat myself on the back. I am proud of who I’ve become. It was also the very first Pearl Jam song I ever fell in love with but I’ll get into that another day….
I’ve decided to get another tattoo as well and I couldn’t be more excited about it. Especially with all that has been going on lately – this is something good to look forward to! I love looking foward to things. I’ve getting the word “believe” tattooed on my finger – most won’t get why but then I stop and tell myself that they don’t have to get it because it’s not going to be on their body but mine. I know what that tattoo is going to mean to me – I have always been a “believer”..even when my life has gone to shit!….I’m not where I wanted to be at this time in my life and i do hear people around speak negative about our generation and how shit it’s become! how you can’t trust people anymore…how you can’t find your true love, a partner in crime….how you only have yourself and no one else. Well….that’s where my true believer comes out – I refuse to believe for a second any of that negative shit BUT believe in all the good shit instead. Don’t get me wrong, even I get low sometimes – I hit my breaking point! I ask quesitons like “what the hell is going on and when will things change for the better…” BUT my pushy believer side rings inside my body and I stop and tell myself “I don’t care how bad it seems now – I do BELIEVE it will get better…I do believe there’s good in people….I do believe I deserve only the best from people…I do believe I will get all the things in life that I truly want…I do believe I will find my perfect match. I refuse to be someone who doesn’t believe……so december 14th – Damian is going to tattoo that very strong word onto my finger so that anytime a little self doubt creeps in or someone else decides to hurt me, I can look at it and remind myself that I do believe things pass, things get better and I can have whatever I want from this life….always, no matter what!
today i wake up feeling more like myself and I couldn’t be more grateful. Im beginning to realize that the dark place i’ve been in for the last few months has probably been with me for a reason. Maybe the reason being that it is pushing me to finally do some of the things I kept saying I wanted to do but have been lazy to start. Feeling so spaced out lately and not knowing why has been driving me a little mad. I’ve gone to the doctors, done blood work and everything has come back normal….for this i am also very very grateful. So now Im left to think maybe this feeling, this scared feeling is in my face to help me grow, not here to really scare me but to teach me. Teach me how to let the fear i’ve allowed control my life for the past 5 years go! to get up, snap out of it and kick my fear right in the face!! even telling it to fuck off and leave me alone!! Working on waking up everyday in a good mood instead and staying that way throughout my day! It is so much easier said than done, this ive learned also. But I figure it’s a good thing that i’m learning. That this scary spacy place i’ve been has forced me to turn my life around…for the good! I didn’t realize how good i had it before when everything felt fine. I was the one walking around upset and i don’t blame myself. My past years haven’t been the kindest to me but that doesn’t mean i’m going to let them control my future!! I’m going to turn it all around and smile while doing so! i’m taking control back…and today im happy!! happy and grateful that i’m feeling like myself again…..my most favourite quote of all time is from my favourite band..and the words couldn’t mean more to me…..
“i’ll ride the wave where it takes me…..” pearl jam
” what i am to you is your silent melody…just a ghost…oh stop now, don’t you think i can’t see right through your lips…”
i’ll say it over and over again….”when words fail, music speaks.” My love for music has been with me for as long as I could remember and i am very grateful for the passion i have when it comes to listening to some great artist sing the words that i wish i could sing myself. Music keeps me whole…calm…at peace. It’s never the melody that gets me first but the lyrics. I can sit and listen to a song and get completely lost in it. It has been a best friend to me, there for me always, every single time i needed it to be. I can’t say i’m like my dad in too many ways but i know my love and passion for music comes from him and it is something i am very proud of. We have our love for music in common and if not much more than that, i’m happy to take it. things have been a little scary for me lately but i know i will make it through the dark spots. As long as i have my music to keep me going, and yes, I say MY music. I know i didn’t write it or sing any of the songs i love so but i love it so much that it’s like my baby. my world. something i am so grateful for which is probably why i get over protective if someone bashes a song i love. But hey, it’s only right to be so over protective, especially when it’s helped me in so many ways. Things may be a little unclear right now for me but my love for music is still there, right by my side. Holding me up and telling me everything will be okay…..i will be okay….and my music will always be there…no matter what…