Today…I am thankful…

I said I’d write more….HA….last post, a month ago! oh come on Maria…

I would write in a journal but I find my writing is too damn messy and when it comes to a keyboard I can type fast so I just figure this is better….now..let me write something!! today I don’t really have anything specific I feel I want to write about so I’ll just go with it!

And now that I’ve stopped to think for a second I think I’m going to write about the thing’s I’ve been grateful for lately. The things that I have stopped to say thank you for. The things that have been making me smile which has seemed a little harder to do lately. This is always a good idea I think. So here is goes;

1. Waking up this morning – and every morning for that matter! I’ve get out of bed without saying thank-you! I woke up! This has become a habit and a good one!

2. Cuddling with my nephew Christopher last night on the couch while we watched his show. Well, while HE watched his show and I rested with my eyes closed behind him.

3. Having Christopher over last week for a sleep over! I swear his the cutest kid in the world and I love having him poke me in the morning while saying “zia, it’s time to wake up now..”

4. My cousin Bella – just because! I am always grateful for her and forever will be. She just understands me better than anyone else in this world. She gives the meaning to “soul sister” and her hugs always make you feel good/better!

5. My friends Certain ones that I’ve connected with more lately on a spiritual level. They are reminding me that I am not alone and I am understood on that spiritual level and not looked at as “crazy” for believing in angels, in destiny, in miracles, in love.

6. The laughs I do have with these friends I’ve become closer to. Drunk and all….we just give one another good company! And we all need good company.

7. Sleep. Being able to get into bed, closing my eyes and drafting away into my sleep so easily.

8. Being safe – knowing I have angels around me protecting me all the time. Even my grandfathers I’m sure of it. Zi Bianca & Maria too! The belief I have knowing they are there watching all of us.

9. Andrew’s cute little voice when he calls my name or laughs!

10. Booking a cottage recently for this upcoming August – knowing a lot of fun exciting events (weddings, birthdays etc) are on their way and shortly after a week away by the water – my heaven on earth for sure! I get to bring Eddie too 🙂 happy about this!

11. Monday night yoga classes.

12. The sunshine & warm weather we’re finally getting! – It always helps you feel good!

13. My apartment, my own space that I get to invite my friends over to so we can spend time together or just relaxed in by myself late at night watching one of my many shows!

14. Knowing the family will be together all weekend. I love seeing my grandparents and cousins!

15. My mother & father….for so many reasons!

16. Going to bed every night able to say THANK YOU – to God, to the universe, to my angels, to papa gigi, nonno pietro, Zi Bianca and Maria for keeping everyone around me safe!! For having another day to be thankful for. For opening my eyes within to be able to realize this. To realize just how lucky I really am!

Making this long list made me feel really good…I should defiantly do this more often ❤

MB

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a year….

almost a year since i’ve logged on and left a few words on my computer screen. hmmm….I thought I’d keep it up! guess not…not surprised though! I always start things and never finish them (note to self: finish what you start) it’s defiantly a bad habit and I gotta try my best to change it!

What’s made me come back?! well it has been in the back of my mind for a few weeks now! Not to mention on New Years day my cousins and I got together and made dream boards for 2014! It was a beautiful day – making those dream boards! I loved every minute of it and it was all thanks to my cousin bella who set it all up for us. She’s such a beautiful soul ❤

i think I don’t write so much because I’m scared of who will see this – which is why i don’t ever put up my blog address anywhere! I just leave it in out there on the internet instead so some random stranger to see..HA #thatmakessenseright..

I do think it is time though to start writing some things done. I believe it will be good for me – get some of the chatter out of my head cause God knows a lot goes on in there #geminithing

So really….REALLY….i’m coming back to it!! even if someone randomly finds this somewhere so be it!! I’ll leave keep myself a secret from the world and just come here to write….simply to write..

MB

i quit….

i quit…i quit….i quit…..!!!

my relationship with drinking has always been a very good one……well….not ALWAYS….but for the most part anyway. There are people who drink and become a monster, i know i dated one! And people who drink and fall all over the place. We call them the sloppy ones! And then there are people like me who drink……become friendly and happy….BUT talk A LOT! Become an open book. That’s my downfall….I talk! i say things i end up shaking my head about the next morning when i remember them. I had one of those mornings today. And i keep finding myself shaking my head as the day goes on. So i’ve made up my mind and i’m breaking up with vodka and wine. okay maybe “breaking up” is a little harsh BUT i am taking a little break from them. and why you might wonder…I’ll tell you why. I met him about a month ago and it really just started off as a random night in one of my favorites bars downtown. He came out of no where. But something about him got me. Got me good. i really thought the night would just end and i’d never see him again. Well i was wrong. I was just with him lastnight. drinking wine…..and becoming my open book self! Letting wayyyy too much out. i swear that wine lastnight was the devil. I’m still shaking my head. He must think i’m crazy. And if he doesn’t then I think I’m gonna like him a little more. I’m not really being hard on myself but at the same time I am. I guess at the end of the day all that matters is that I did have fun and i was myself. I know i’ll find someone who can handle that if this guy can’t. So I can’t completely be mad at the wine BUT i’m still talking a small break from it. if i see him again, wine or vodka are not allowed to come along for the ride. guess we’ll see what happens…

 

MB

he was a man in my life….who i loved so…

i am blessed to not have lost many in my life. Truly truly blessed and it is something i am grateful for every single day….

you grow up and you finally get it. you learn that family is the most important thing in your life. That you can’t survive without them and you don’t want to. you begin to make special time to see them and spend time with them more and more….you enjoy their company.

At a young age i lost a hero. A man i looked up to so much and at the time didn’t know why or even realize why. I just knew i loved him. I just knew he was good, his heart was good. And i knew forsure that family was the most important thing to him. i knew this because he made sure his big family of 5 children, his beautiful wife and 13 grandchildren were at his dinner table enjoying good food at least twice a week, altogether.  He was a man who i never once heard talk about work – he just never brought it home with him. He was a man who let his grandchildren swim for hours after lunch on sunny sundays and who protected us when one of our mean aunts was giving us a hard time or putting us in the corner. He was the man who called me everyday after school to tell me to meet me at the kitchen table because my grandmother was making a good dish because he knew how much I loved to eat. He was a man who came outside with us to pick fresh apples off his apple tree.

He was a man i loved so much. He was the best grandfather in the world…

It wasn’t until 1 year ago that I finally got it. I finally realized that even though i was too young to ask him questions about his life and what his favourite music was because i was too busy being a kid, that i did learn probably one of the most important things from him…..and that was that family is everything. family is all you have and you have to treat them good. You have to love them always and you have to keep them close. He brought a big family of 30 people together every week and I learned that i am the exact same way. Every family function or holiday is put together by me. Just because….and i love the fact that i am just like him in this sense.

i want to bring everyone together – for no reason at all but to enjoy each others company. I grew up and i realized how important family is….how much I want to enjoy my time with them. How in the end they are the ones who are there for me.

It was amazing to realize that even though i didn’t ask him certain questions about his life and likes, i learned something so important from him, just by his actions. Not the words spoken or said – just by watching and remembering what kind of man he was. One i am so honored to call my papa gigi.

A man I miss still so much after 14 years! A man i still pray to and dream about. A man i remember seeing smile one more time before he had to go..just like it was yesterday.

I know in my heart he hears me and as sad as i get wishing he had never left – wishing he didn’t have to go and even worse knowing he didnt want to….breaks me! but i do hope he knows that he taught me so much – a little girl at the time who grew into a women who takes his love with me into my life…everyday, the best way i can. I learned from the best afterall….

love you & miss you papa gigi….with everything inside my heart, thank you, thank you and thank you for everything you taught me..

mb

she was a girl…

She was a girl who always wondered about who she’d marry and spend her life with…..she was a girl who thought about her wedding day in a big white beautiful dress, dancing with her husband to their first dance. What song would they dance to?….what little touches would she add to her big day and most importantly, what would the man she’s married be like? What was his name, what color were his eyes, what did she love about him most?….She thought she came close to finding her future husband times before….but she was wrong. Four men she loved and gave her whole heart to left her life.  She gave them all the love she had inside.

She could cry herself to sleep, ask herself over and over again why these relationships didn’t turn into the real thing. Why she had some much damn love to give but no man to give it to. She could….

Instead, as hard as it is sometimes…and only sometimes….she still walks in her head held high and that feeling in her heart that she WILL be in that big white beautiful dress someday, dancing with her husband to the song they both pick for that prefect moment she’s been waiting so long for…

She doesn’t give up that dream or hope…..never..

she feels him in her heart, she knows one day he’ll walk right into her life and that will be when she wonders how she went so long without him and where he had been all those years before….she also will be grateful that the universe had finally brought them together in the end….she’ll be grateful that their two hearts finally came together….and then she’ll remember, she never gave up that hope or that feeling….the feeling that she just knew all along…knew it would happen.

Happy Valentine’s Day to such a strong girl…I am proud of myself..

maria xo

2013 – here we go….let’s do this!!!

hello to another year!! the year of 2013. I never really know what to expect when a new year approaches! Not sure how I feel or have any idea at all on what will happen! I have however decided to make some goals, some changes, and actually go through with them. I know how I am – I mean you know yourself better than anyone else can, right?! I always set these goals or think about them in my mind and get excited about doing them…I may start for awhile but then I just stop! somewhere along the way…i stop!! i’ve gotten better though – I set some goals just before christmas to get back into yoga and kickboxing and I actually did pretty good!! I got myself into a routine and actually felt great about it! but then christmas hit and all the craziness with it!! well, its now 2013 – christmas time is over and as of TOMORROW – i am getting back to it!!! i don’t have any excuses and it’s time for change! the change i’ve been talking about for so long now!! I write this blog for myself and no one else – so that I can let it out! Kinda like a personal diary for me! This will allow me to keep track – to come back and write more and continue to write! It’s time to follow through – if anything changes at all and anything comes out of this – following through is what I want to show for it……setting my goals and making them happen….if i don’t, no one else will….

cheers to an upcoming GREAT YEAR FOR 2013

MY year for good change, great love and lots of fun..

tattoo me…

After TWO years looking for the one tattoo artist i fell in love with (his work…) i finally found him!! thank goodness I stayed true to needing to find him again and not going to someone else to place a tattoo on me that i’ve been wanting to get for the last 5 years – maybe even longer. Long enough that I don’t really remember when the idea popped into my head to get it done. “I’ll ride the wave where it takes me” from pearl jam. I’m a girl who believes in fate! I always have…even in my darkest moments, I just know things always happen how they are suppose to. I can’t wait to have the words on my body as my reminder for how strong I think i’ve stayed in the last…ohhhh 27 years! I pat myself on the back. I am proud of who I’ve become. It was also the very first Pearl Jam song I ever fell in love with but I’ll get into that another day….

I’ve decided to get another tattoo as well and I couldn’t be more excited about it. Especially with all that has been going on lately – this is something good to look forward to! I love looking foward to things. I’ve getting the word “believe” tattooed on my finger – most won’t get why but then I stop and tell myself that they don’t have to get it because it’s not going to be on their body but mine. I know what that tattoo is going to mean to me – I have always been a “believer”..even when my life has gone to shit!….I’m not where I wanted to be at this time in my life and i do hear people around speak negative about our generation and how shit it’s become! how you can’t trust people anymore…how you can’t find your true love, a partner in crime….how you only have yourself and no one else. Well….that’s where my true believer comes out – I refuse to believe for a second any of that negative shit BUT believe in all the good shit instead. Don’t get me wrong, even I get low sometimes – I hit my breaking point! I ask quesitons like “what the hell is going on and when will things change for the better…” BUT my pushy believer side rings inside my body and I stop and tell myself “I don’t care how bad it seems now – I do BELIEVE it will get better…I do believe there’s good in people….I do believe I deserve only the best from people…I do believe I will get all the things in life that I truly want…I do believe I will find my perfect match. I refuse to be someone who doesn’t believe……so december 14th – Damian is going to tattoo that very strong word onto my finger so that anytime a little self doubt creeps in or someone else decides to hurt me, I can look at it and remind myself that I do believe things pass, things get better and I can have whatever I want from this life….always, no matter what!

Hope you all believe too…

MB

today is a good good day…

today i wake up feeling more like myself and I couldn’t be more grateful. Im beginning to realize that the dark place i’ve been in for the last few months has probably been with me for a reason. Maybe the reason being that it is pushing me to finally do some of the things I kept saying I wanted to do but have been lazy to start. Feeling so spaced out lately and not knowing why has been driving me a little mad. I’ve gone to the doctors, done blood work and everything has come back normal….for this i am also very very grateful. So now Im left to think maybe this feeling, this scared feeling is in my face to help me grow, not here to really scare me but to teach me. Teach me how to let the fear i’ve allowed control my life for the past 5 years go! to get up, snap out of it and kick my fear right in the face!! even telling it to fuck off and leave me alone!! Working on waking up everyday in a good mood instead and staying that way throughout my day! It is so much easier said than done, this ive learned also. But I figure it’s a good thing that i’m learning. That this scary spacy place i’ve been has forced me to turn my life around…for the good! I didn’t realize how good i had it before when everything felt fine. I was the one walking around upset and i don’t blame myself. My past years haven’t been the kindest to me but that doesn’t mean i’m going to let them control my future!! I’m going to turn it all around and smile while doing so! i’m taking control back…and today im happy!! happy and grateful that i’m feeling like myself again…..my most favourite quote of all time is from my favourite band..and the words couldn’t mean more to me…..

“i’ll ride the wave where it takes me…..” pearl jam

MB